💼 What If Your Village People Had LinkedIn Profiles? (EXTENDED EDITION)

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Because even spiritual warfare don dey go digital.

👀 Scene Setting:

You just updated your work experience on LinkedIn — “Customer Service Rep • Blogger • Baddie with Boundaries” — and within seconds, your LinkedIn inbox goes left.

  • “You may know: Mama Ebele from your dad’s side 👁️”

  • “Your destiny was viewed by: Unknown Ancestral Entity from Imo State.”

Because guess what? Your village people have gone global, baby. They’re remote, hybrid, and fully optimized for spiritual freelancing.

🧙🏾‍♀️ THE PROFILES: Village LinkedIn Goes Corporate

👤 Mama Esther Okonkwo (Spiritual Auntie, 6k followers)

Title: Traditional Saboteur | Rootwork Influencer | Gossip Logistics Officer
📍 Based in Ibadan but operates on both physical and metaphysical frequencies.

About Me:
Blessed with a sharp tongue, a sharper eye, and a pot of soup that whispers secrets. I see everything. I say everything. I block progress when necessary.

Skills:

  • Dream Editing (Final Cut Pro Max)

  • Family Meeting Hijacker

  • Passive-Aggressive Prayer Warrior

Top Endorsements:

  • “Best in ‘Just checking on you randomly.’” – Spiritual Side Chick, Inc.

  • “Excellent use of ‘God will judge’ in boardroom arguments.” – Uncle Nnamdi

👤 Chief Ebube “The Delay Plug”

Title: Head of Time-Wasting Ops at Ancestral Bureau of Confusion
📍 Located Somewhere Between Your Progress and Your Next Level

About Me:
I specialize in making sure your destiny gets stuck in traffic — both spiritually and on 3rd Mainland Bridge.

Certifications:

  • Diploma in "Near Success Syndrome"

  • B.Sc. in “Not Today, Maybe Next Year” from Destiny University

  • LinkedIn Badge: “Viewed Your CV 18x But Never Acted”

Endorsements:

  • “He delayed me from proposing for 7 years. Legend!” – Chuka, Commitment-Phobic Brother

👤 Aunty Eniola “The Witch Next Door”

Title: Spiritual UX Designer | Mental Health Underminer
📍 Lagos / Astral Plane

About Me:
I design problems you can't quite explain. Confusion as a service. You’ll doubt yourself, your purpose, and your decisions — all in HD.

Recent Projects:

  • Confusion Engineered for Sandra’s NYSC Posting

  • Depression Plugin Installed in Uche’s Love Life

Hashtags Used:
#SoftLifeForMe #SufferForThem #SpirituallyStrategic

👤 Uncle Sola “Village Tech Bro”

Title: Destiny Crypto Miner | Blockchain Ancestral Disrupter
📍 Nowhere Real

About Me:
Why scatter calabash when I can now operate from the Metaverse? I’m into Web 3 Witchcraft now. NFTs = Nefarious Family Tactics.

Posts:

“Just launched a DAO for ancestral curses. DM to join.”
“New drops dropping: 5 spell tokens = 1 life delay. 🚀”

👤 Baby Cousin Kehinde (Just Turned 3, But...)

Title: Future Destiny Jammer in Training (Junior Intern)
📍 Training under Mama Nkechi

About Me:
I’ve been watching you since you carried me on your lap and called me "stubborn." Energy noted. Come back in 10 years 😈

👤 Pastor John (Reformed but Tired)

Title: Senior Deliverance Officer | CEO of 'Back to Sender Inc.'
📍 On assignment 24/7

About Me:
You’re booked, busy and blocked — but I’m booked, BUSIER, and blessed. I've cast out spiritual saltiness, witchcraft in wigs, and even gossip demons that use MTN data.

Pinned Testimony Post:

“She was jobless for 5 years. After 3 fire nights and 2 bottles of anointing oil, boom—job alert! Village people couldn’t keep up.🔥”

💻 FEATURE ALERT: LinkedIn for Village People Now Has:

  • Destiny Tracker™ – Know who's tampering with your shine.

  • “Unblock Me Spiritually” Button – Premium feature.

  • Ancestral Referrals – Get introduced to your problem source in 1 click.

🧼 CLEANSE YOUR PROFILE (Before They Add You to Group Chat):

  • Remove all "check up on you randomly" aunties

  • Don’t accept connection requests that start with "Long time!"

  • Fast before uploading your wins. Your blessings need spiritual privacy settings.

😂 HOT TAKES FROM NAIJA LINKEDIN

“Excited to announce I’ve survived another round of delay tactics. Thanks to Pastor John and Detty December fasting. #SpiritualResilience”

“Promoted spiritually from ‘Why me?’ to ‘God dey!’ #ElevationSeason #BlockThemWithPrayer”

💣 FINAL WARNING:

If you see a profile with a display picture of a goat, don't connect. That’s no emoji. That’s your destiny handler.

👇🏽 COMMENT SECTION CRUISE

  • Tag someone whose village people just upgraded to iPhone 15.

  • What would your own LinkedIn headline be if you were the village person?

  • Drop a “God forbid” if your star won’t be used to fry akara.

Let me know if you want Part 2:
“What If Village People Started Their Own Tech Startup?” or
“What If Nigerian Weddings Had Yelp Reviews?”

We go harder every time. Just say “go” and I’ll run it! 🔥

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